My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
quarantine day 3
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir