When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
This week’s mood.
There’s only one good girl here!
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Brb my Sims are getting married
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that