I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*