Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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From Facebook just now…
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball