Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My what?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming