If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow