Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.