wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.