Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
You Might Also Like
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury