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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
looks legit
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Woke up against my better judgement again
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.