Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
translated into Canadian
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I love twitter
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.