me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you