“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Grandmother clock.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.