I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
White parent Vs Arab parents
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.