My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.