Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….