Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You Might Also Like
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
That’s incredible! 👌
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.