*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.