To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
peeping toms
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.