imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.