TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Only Americans understand
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?