Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: how are you
Friday: good