Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Finally, a door that understands me
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank