Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
when nothing goes right… go left
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Just had my nails done!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.