The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*