I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
A fake ID that makes you younger
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail