I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.