I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Awwwww shit.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking