Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
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Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent