Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Boom, boom, ching!
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics