Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”