I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
any last words?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
first you must answer his riddles
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?