Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.