I think this should do it.
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I already tried new things thanks.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?