What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.