It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?