I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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Noted.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container