why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing