Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.