When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
it was love at first sight
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Baller is short for ballerina
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho