9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach