DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy