If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
and now we wait
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A woman drives into a bar.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste