Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Your honor these allegations are
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti