I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.