It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I love it all
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!