me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
it is time once again