you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
😏😏😏
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?