Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Watson was Holmes schooled
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I hope google does well on my son’s test