Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
craving $300 all of a sudden